This spate of online affairs is causing the breakup of countless marriages. How do you know if your spouse is violating the marriage vows by carrying out an online affair? Here are 10 typical tell tale signs.

1. When your spouse or partner spends a lot of time on-line. Everyone uses a computer today.  When you find that your spouse or partner cannot live without the computer and displays withdrawal symptoms when the computer or internet connection is down – take another look. Find out why this need is so compelling before it’s too late.

2. When passwords, instant message “buddy lists”, internet email accounts and emails are a secret. Do you find that your spouse or partner needs his “own space” while using the computer? Are they reluctant to tell you their passwords? The point is, any time a spouse becomes secretive with you, it signals a red Flag.

3. When your spouse uses the computer after you have gone to bed, when you fall asleep or in the middle of the night. Ever woke up in the middle of the night, only to find your spouse at the computer? When you notice this becoming a regular pattern, it’s time to find out why. Although work requires a sense of dedication and loyalty, working late repeatedly after you have fallen asleep is a little odd.

4. When your partner abruptly shuts off the internet and/or computer when you approach. This is typical unexplained behavior and panic is definitely a cause for concern. The rationalization is “when all other contingency plans fail, just shut that thing off and don’t get caught.” This act not only crashes the computer but also damages both hardware and software. This kind of behavior is considered as a significant indicator of a deviant behavior. Your spouse could be viewing pornography and therefore fear getting caught.

5. When the computer and monitor are positioned such a way that you are unable to view the screen. Investigators have revealed that they find the study of body language very useful in detecting a cheater. If you find that your spouse needs the time to change a screen, or turn off the monitor, or change to another website – then this becomes another tell tale sign.

6. When your spouse clears the all internet history folder, or installs software to automatically clear this information.

7. When your spouse exhibits a need to be online always and becomes defensive when confronted. A compulsive / defensive pattern is definitely cause for alarm. Do you find yourself always waiting for your spouse to get to bed? Have you found your spouse glued to the computer even though there are many other ‘real time’ chores to attend to? When this happens, you need to know why.

8. When your spouse or partner shares information, photographs or events with strangers in emails, chatrooms or while instant messaging. There are spouses who send their nude pictures over the internet. If you find this happening, maybe it’s time to track this information with software that collects this data. Today more courts are allowing emails and computer usage data as evidence. It’s advisable to consult an attorney in your state beforehand!

9. Does your spouse play online games and frequently logs into “personals” chatrooms? Typically, this is where it begins. They begin with playing a few games, then it soon becomes into a need to constantly keep in touch.

10. When your spouse shows a change in their preferences. If you notice a marked change in the way they dress, or a change in the music they listen to. Also if you notice them behaving erratically, getting upset for no known reason. then it may be time to look further.

Thrilling, adventurous. Sexually highly-charged. The same emotions and excitement as an affair: all the trimmings, none of the guilt!

Surely an Online Affair is NOT the real thing? After all, some say, since there is no physical contact involved, it should be ok. In fact, this is very much like an interactive video game: it’s virtual. And surely one should have the freedom to explore oneself in the safe world of virtual reality without so much scrutiny. For one thing it is such a welcome escape from the real world: A fantasy world full of new experiences.

A typical scenario may go like this:

You find a new and exciting someone who finds you just as exciting. You get a chance to present your best side all over again. (So does the other, but you both know this!) You share your hopes and your fantasies… even your fears. This intense sharing brings you closer and closer together. It’s a heady feeling; you experience some of the most intense feelings you’ve ever had. You idealize this new online relationship. You’re in euphoria…….

You now fantasize about being more than just friends. You become infatuated with your friend and want more and more interaction. You feel like you’re “in love”. All this is great and fantastic and fun and “really on” – unless you already   have a partner in the real world!

When your real-life partner gets wind of your online friend, you either rationalize your online activity or deny it altogether. When your partner becomes increasingly suspicious and therefore becomes threatened by this development, you will either deny it or ignore it.

As your partner feels betrayed, hurt, jealous, and angry and becomes more and more devastated, you assure yourself that since there’s no actual sex involved, it is not really cheating. And naturally you become closer to your friend and more distant from your partner….

You may now want to meet your online friend in person. In fact you feel like you two are “soul-mates” and meant for each other! You “risk it all” to meet your online friend. You meet and have sex. Or you don’t and feel like star-crossed lovers. Either way, your life has changed in ways you never intended: This spells the end of your online relationship – and maybe your real-life one too….

So, contrary to what some people think, Online Affairs are not harmless at all. They can cause a lot of heartache and pain. Most online affairs lead to the diminishing or destruction of primary relationships – although this was never intended. And many people recognize that they should have known what they were getting into but conveniently “blocked it out”.

The most common lament: “I didn’t intend to have an affair.”

Even when the affair remains “virtual”, the effects are real and can be just as emotionally painful and devastating to the partner as an actual sexual affair. It is the lack of caring felt by the partner when these hurt feelings are ignored or dismissed as unreasonable, that is far more of a threat to the relationship than the “affairs” themselves.

When it comes to Online Affairs, it’s not so much a question of whether it is “wrong,” but rather if it is “smart.”  We need to look at why they are so enticing and find some other avenue rooted in reality for igniting the positive “alive” feelings that these affairs can offer. And also to focus on how the affair may be symptom of a larger relationship problem…

       ·         You are currently having an internet romance.

       ·         You have been hurt by your “online friend”.

       ·         You are considering having an internet relationship.

There are Support Centers to help you…

Next: The different types of Online Affairs…